We had storms day before yesterday. Scary, as always, and I vacillated on whether I was truly scared, or wishing for the big one. Self preservation mostly won. I implemented a few precautionary measures – put that insulation bubble wrap on the windows in case of hail – but overall I didn’t care or worry near as much as normal. Just hoping that if the big tornado came, the dogs went with me.
Lightning struck Gilbert’s yard. Took out his electric meter. Fried Devon’s modem. Which in turn, as it turns out, fried mine too. I didn’t know that though. I went to Walmart and bought one and brought it home to Devon to install. It was the wrong dang one. I was so irritated, because I hate going to town. I really hate going to town twice.
I called Frontier and they said they would send me a new one. Then called back and said they would send a technician out, the next day!
Fast forward to yesterday. The guy arrives, Devon installs it, it works. Great news. It’s colder than shit outside — April, in Texas! — and I came home checked my internet, works! I had planned to make bread and biscuits for the week because I didn’t get it done on Sunday, and then my internet quit working.
I was convinced Devon did something. He was going to wire tie it to shelf like you did then mine quit working. I threw a fit. I was mad. I need the internet for work. I just wanted him to fix it. I was thinking it might be that long cat5 cable we’ve got buried, and BJ, I couldn’t take another big project right now. I immediately shut down. Internally, rage had take over. I stalked over to Devon’s to find out what he did, and you know how he can be. He’s vague, he tells half truths, he eliminates important details. I was just so mad.
Mentally I was done for the day. I wanted to sit here and sulk. I was overwhelmed with all the things I’ve got on my plate, and just begged for it to stop. So many things are breaking. The mower is leaking gas. The trucks with their laundry list of problems. The camper leaking. Needing the gate. Needing to plant grass seed. Needing to put in the garden. Needing a solution for the chickens. Needing to put up the green house. Needing to finalize the spot for the bees.
I just couldn’t take another thing. I need you home, here with me, to help me with all this stuff. And then guilt and shame and regret washed over me because I just didn’t appreciate all that you did, or thank you enough, and how I wish I could bring you back and oh what a different wife I would be.
I went back to Walmart and exchanged the modem I bought for Devon for one that would work for me. With his side working, I was hoping that it was just my modem too, and not that long assed cable. When I got home and plugged it all in, it acted like it didn’t want to work, and I had another melt down. Thankfully, this time, Devon wasn’t involved. The dogs were. I yelled and screamed, I just wanted them to shut up, sit down, and let me get this done. But you know my boys. They want their hugs, and to show me their bones. I was having none of that. And Trooper with his growling. I really wasn’t going to have any of that.
I did finally get it to work, but the emotional roller coaster I had been on all day mentally wore me out. I planned to make potato soup for supper, but Devon had my bean pan, and didn’t answer my text about bringing it over, and I decided then and there, I wasn’t making supper. I ate some cheese and crackers, and went to bed. It was still daylight, but I couldn’t take another minute.
I’m mentally exhausted. Severely overwhelmed. Trying to do it all at once, and not accomplishing shit. It’s cold outside. But I have outside work to do. Bill wants to help, so I can’t put it off. Lisa wants to come over, so I can’t put off whatever work she can do either. And I shouldn’t be putting any of it off. But I still need to work, and I haven’t done any of that. I’m just running in circles and not knowing where all my time is going. I’m disorganized. Disjointed. Grieving. Feeling sorry for myself.
It’s a vicious circle. And I have no one to talk to about it. That’s not true. I have lots of people to talk to about it. But I only want to talk to one person about it, and you aren’t here. What am I going to do without you? God, how I miss you. Come visit me. Even if it’s in my dreams. Hold me. Love me. Tell me I’m going to be okay. Give me your reassurance, your strength. Your love. You are my very best friend in the world and I miss you so very much.
I’m sorry I didn’t turn left that day. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to save you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I will live with that guilt for the rest of my life. However long that may be. I miss you. I love you. Come home to me.