My Love

Where are you?

It’s weird you being gone. I don’t understand it. I really don’t. Today I woke up, fed dogs, drank coffee, waited for the sun to rise and went to feed critters. I know you’re not here, but it’s like you’ll be back soon. My mind plays tricks with me. That I’m doing these things ‘until you get back’. That you’ll be impressed with all the work I got done for you while you were gone. It’s a game I’m playing and I don’t know how long it will work.

Bill came over today to help me and Devon clear brush, cut trees, and get the front ready for a fence. With three people it moved pretty quickly, and while it was a small spot, it seemed like a huge accomplishment. You’d have been proud. And I was proud of us. We did good. And then out of no where, my heart hurt. Why didn’t I do this for you, with you, while you were here? Did you want me to? Were you content to tinker with it on your own with Devon, or were you disappointed I did the girlie things and didn’t pitch in? It hurts me to think we could have been doing this together, and didn’t.

I had a good day. I wasn’t sad. I worked hard, and stayed on task and got a lot of work accomplished. I came in to cook supper, and fill dog bowls, set up the coffee pot and my heart lurched in fear. Have I forgotten you? Am I getting too comfortable in my new routine? Shouldn’t I still be crying and wailing and trembling in grief? Or is this a different kind of grief? Denial? Pretend? Fooling myself?

I worry I’m going to forget your face, your voice, your presence. And then I laugh at myself because how could that be? You were the single most pivotal person/moment/being in my whole adult life. How can your influence ever leave me? But how can I just continue to move forward without you here? How does this grief, and moving forward work while still honoring the person you are in my life?

In this new world, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what is right. I fear I’m losing you, and I fear I’m going to lose myself. I just don’t know what to do anymore except “move on”. Isn’t that what they say, you just got to move on? How is that possible? How is that right?

All I know to do is work, to continue the improvements on this land that has your mark on it. Computer work is difficult. I can’t concentrate. I can’t sit still. But yet, it is what is going to support me and Devon and our future. However long that may be.

I’m not afraid to die. While I don’t want it to happen anytime soon, I wouldn’t care if it did. My biggest concern is Devon and the animals. I hope I can stick around long enough to see them through. No one wants our dogs. Our mutual wish was that we would live long enough for them to die of old age. That’s still my goal. I hope that happens. But without you here, life doesn’t have the same appeal it once did. You were my partner, my best friend, and the world has lost its shine without you in it.

God only knows how much my heart breaks without you. He is giving me strength to move forward, and only He knows what the plan is. But I’m waking up each day ready to continue the good work you did here. Perhaps not with the same vision, but with the best I’m capable of. I hope you’re proud of me. I hope I can do your memory honor. I can’t wait to see you again. I miss you. I love you. God how I miss your beautiful face.

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