My husband is the most handsome man in the world. His beautiful eyes, green slightly hazel, sparkle with mischief. He loved a good laugh, and practical jokes, usually at other peoples expense. And usually only if he liked you.

He’s big and bulky and strong. His rough hands provided. He built things, and fixed things, and there’s was so little he couldn’t do. He was my everything.

Today as I worked the farm, I ached for his strength. For his guidance. For his approval. For his encouragement. I miss him. I miss him so much, and wish for so many things to have been different, better. I want another chance. And other hug. Another kiss. One more I love you. I need him now more than ever. The one person that can ease my broken heart. Whose arms are big enough to hold me tight and to make all my troubles go away.

Instead I look at his desk where his ashes lay. Next to it is a plastic bag with his clothes and belongings in it. Carefully sealed to preserve his smell. When my world gets to be too much, when I can’t breathe, when I feel like I can’t take another step without my heart bursting through my chest, I hold them, I breathe in his scent, I cry his name, and I ache for his touch.

I admit to feeling sorry for myself. Being left alone to struggle with building a farm, caring for 12 dogs, doing work far beyond my strength and capabilities, all with little to no income, and no one to share these difficulties with. And then I see his face, and feel his presence and I know, KNOW, he didn’t leave me on purpose. He wouldn’t have wanted to leave me like this. But here we are. Hurt. Despondent. Alone. I lost my best friend in the world, and I can’t share that hurt with him.

God only knows why he called BJ home. I don’t understand it. I don’t claim to comprehend it. And there’s certainly no changing it. Life, and death, and their timing is unfair to the living. Glorious righteousness for the dead. I know my husband was welcomed by the good Lord above, and He has no bigger warrior for his heavenly kingdom. I just wish he was here with me. Even if for a little while.

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