Oh my handsome hunka. Tomorrow marks the 6th week you’ve been gone from this earth, and every single time I look at your picture I just shake my head in disbelief.

How is it even possible that you truly are not here? While I know for a fact you died, my heart and my head tell me you will be coming home soon. That I will see you walk through this door again. That we, together, will live in our old age on the farm that we built.

How is it possible you are not here. I know a lot of these posts repeat that phrase. The question of how it’s possible, that I’m still in shock, that I live in a constant state of denial. But it’s true. It’s so very difficult to understand that you literally will never be coming back. I don’t get it. It’s difficult to comprehend.

It’s surreal.

I’ve had a difficult few days. You’ve been on my mind more than normal, and while I’ve kept everyone out of that emotional turmoil, it doesn’t mean it isn’t swirling around me like a black cloud.

Driving to town this evening in your truck, everything reminded me of you. Sitting at Whataburger. Driving to Tractor Supply. These are the streets you drove, and the truck you loved, and I just felt you near me the whole time. I missed you. I just kept thinking that these were your things, your time, your habits, your drive, your duties, and you won’t ever be here to do them again.

I don’t know how we let this happen. That we took your heart for such granted, that we weren’t more concerned and worried. I’ll never forgive myself for not going to you first before I hit the woods that day. I’ll never forgive myself for not being there with you to save you, to help you, or at least do everything I could to keep you here with me. I hope you forgive me. I hope you know how much I love you. God, I miss your face, your laugh, your voice.

This isn’t how our life was supposed to be.

I can take care of this farm, Devon and the critters. I know I have it in me. I’m not worried about those things. But I just don’t want to do them without you. It isn’t a matter of can or can’t. I just don’t want to. This was OUR dream. This was OUR life. And now, it’s not.

It’s so unfair. I just miss you so much. Life isn’t as beautiful as it once was, and it never will be again. You gave me the reason to get up each morning, you gave me reason to be a wife. I miss that.

I hope we know each other in Heaven. I can’t imagine what it’s like, but I hope we will be together there. Our souls are one. I knew you were mine the day we met, and in spite of the difficulties, I wouldn’t have wanted to go through them with anyone else.

I love you. I miss you. I want you to come home. Come back to me and hold me once more.