Yesterday, in spite of all the frustrations, turned out not too bad. I ordered a new chainsaw. It’s probably not something you would have recommended, but it’s small enough for me to tote around, and I hope all the reviews recommending it were right. I picked a Dewalt, your favorite tool brand, so hopefully it’s good. I pray that you can somehow focus on me the next few days as I’ve got so much work to do, and having your support and knowledge and presence would be such a comfort.

I also need to climb up on the top of the camper. You know I don’t like heights, but needs must. The leak is getting worse, and it needs to be sealed. So I need to powerwash, clean, caulk and put down the paint layer to seal it all back up before the darn thing falls apart around me.

I bought fencing yesterday too. I want to get the horses moved, and a gate up to prevent people from just driving up in here without my permission. Not sure how that works for the UPS and FedEx people, but I guess I’ll figure it out. The UPS guy seems really nice, and he really liked you. Weird, that, because how much did you talk to him, really? But he’s sad you’re gone, and said you were a good man. God, I miss you so much.

So today, if the rains hold off, can be a series of things to get done. Still need to put up the green house, and if I don’t build something for the chickens, it’s going to have to be their home until I can.

Fence clearing, greenhouse, camper sealing. We did get Devon’s walkway put in, but that was days ago. With all the rain we’ve been lazy this week. I need to clean house. I’m itching to get the baby chickens outside, but I’m worried about them being unprotected to night creatures. Afraid something will wander by and grab one or more of them. The door isn’t the best, and the fluffed around in the dirt enough yesterday to make a nice little hole where a raccoon could take advantage.

I’ve been pretending you’re out of town on a trip. It helps me get through the days. Sadly, though, I’m ready for you to come home. To come help me out with all this mess, and logically I know you’re not. It’s hard knowing I’ll never see you again. I don’t understand it. It’s very difficult to truly comprehend. It just doesn’t seem real. Still.

I feel a little crazy. Hovering between the real world, and this one I make up in my head. I think that’s why I’ve been so bitter and frustrated with everything going on. Poor Devon walks into my black cloud of emotions, while he’s dealing with his own, and it’s just a firebomb of turmoil. I just want to rage at the skies, at God, at you for leaving me alone. I didn’t want this for our life. We never got to have the little cabin in the woods, the front porch, and the rocking chairs. How is that fair? We wanted to grow old together, and neither of us is old. How is that fair?

Do I doubt God? Yes. Why did he allow this? What could possibly be his purpose? What good did it do to take you so soon? I never understood mom leaving so soon, and I sure don’t understand this. I’m a firm believer in God, as you know, but I question the purpose of this exile from the man I love. Why is this my life? Why did I lose all the humans – Ma, Mom, you – that have meant the most to me? It hurts. It hurts so bad.

I need to stop dwelling on it. Mornings are so hard without you. Our coffee time was the best time we had together each day. Each in our little silent worlds, but close enough to touch. We had a great partnership. I depended on you for so much, and I hope I told you thank you enough. God I miss your sparkly eyes, manly chuckle, and your big, strong body. You were my everything. I’ve loved you since I met you all those many years ago. It just wasn’t enough time for us. I wanted so many more years.

I miss you. I love you. I wish you would come home.

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