Spring time brings the rains, and today is one of those days. I know you looked forward to them sometimes, to catch a break from all the hard work. It gave you time to play your game, and visit with your friends on there.
For me, I promised to go back to work today, and there is no work to do. With this China virus, everyone is laying low, not wanting to spend money, and that leaves me and Devon in a lurch. Not sure what will happen with my business, but it’s a ‘needs must’ thing, because getting a full time job elsewhere wouldn’t pay as much, and with 12 dogs and a farm, wouldn’t work out well.
Rainy days give me too much time to sit idle, think, dwell on missing you, letting my heart break over and over again. I cannot believe you are gone, and sometimes it’s easier to pretend you’re on a trip than to face the reality of being here on this God forsaken planet without you. Life wasn’t supposed to be this way, babe. We were in it together. Finally fighting towards that little cabin in the woods with a couple of rocking chairs. Looks like I’ll be rocking alone, if I make it that far, and that was not the dream we had. Why did you leave me so soon?
I hate being alone. I can’t imagine life without you in it, and here I am facing it. But your stuff is here, your work is here, your presence is everywhere. It’s a stark reminder that you yourself are not. I hate this life. If not for the dogs and Devon, I’m not sure how much longer I would stick around. What’s the point without you? But we promised to take care of these hounds, and who would look after Devon? I’m stuck here, for now. Alone. I need you so badly I ache in my bones. A perpetual lump in my throat, staring endlessly at your chair, and desk, and your things.
I keep your clothes, and John Deere hat, in a plastic bag. I need those things to smell and hold, and feel you near me. It’s a catch 22 though, because it’s a harsh reminder that you’re not here. Everything is a harsh reminder. One I cannot escape. I see your face in pictures and I just can’t breathe. I need you with me, especially now, and know I’m just alone.
I ache. I don’t know why God thought this was a good idea. I’ll never understand it. Never.
I hate rainy days. They leave me with too much time to think. To grieve. To hurt.
I miss you. I love you. Why did you have to leave?